


In Our Bedrooms After the War

by Always_IKnow



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Angst, Multi, Post-War, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-27
Updated: 2020-11-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:21:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22440988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Always_IKnow/pseuds/Always_IKnow
Summary: When the Dominion War ends the survivors are left to deal with the consequences.A series of disconnected one-shots that center on the aftermath.
Relationships: Benjamin Sisko/Kasidy Yates, Ezri Dax/Worf, Julian Bashir/Elim Garak, Keiko O'Brien/Miles O'Brien, Kira Nerys/Odo, Odo/Quark (Star Trek)
Comments: 19
Kudos: 62





	1. Then There's No One There

**Author's Note:**

> I've taken lots of liberties with canon in some of these and also utilized beta canon.
> 
> Title and Chapter titles come from "In Our Bedroom After the War" by Stars

Sometimes it feels like he really is gone. When Kasidy dreams, Ben is always there. He holds Rebecca and gently kisses her forehead before looking at Kasidy and whispering how much he loves both of them, how beautiful Rebecca is, how he'll always be there. She always expects the pain to dull from a sharp edge to a dull ache, but it never seems to when she wakes up and remembers she's alone with their daughter.

"I got this one, Kas," Jake mumbles, still half asleep as he lifts his crying baby sister from her crib. He rocks her gently back and forth and hums a song he distantly remembers his father singing to him.

_Back to sleep, little one_

_You've done enough_

_The day is done_

_Back to sleep, sweet child_

_You're so very loved_

_Dream and play in the wild_

Kasidy stares in fascination as Rebecca calms down almost immediately while Jake sings to her. In the 16 months since Rebecca's birth Jake has been there to help with every aspect of raising his little sister, from midnight crying to diaper changing. Kasidy isn't sure she'd have lasted this long without him. _Ben should be here_ has become her personal mantra. 

_Everything is alright_

_You're safe and warm_

_Now hush, little one and sleep tight_

Rebecca falls asleep in Jake's arms and he carefully lays her back down in her crib. 

"Thank you," Kasidy mumbles. "I don't think I could do this alone."

"No problem," Jake says quietly. "We're family, and families help each other. Get some rest."

When she falls back asleep she dreams of Benjamin yet again. _You should be here._

_I am here._

Jake holds Rebecca up on her wobbly legs and tells her to walk to her mother, catching her before she can fall when she stumbles at the halfway point. He reads her a story he wrote just for her and laughs when she only cares about the pictures that accompany it. He plays peekaboo with her for hours and never loses his enthusiasm just so she'll keep giggling and smiling. He falls asleep with her cradled in his arms.

Kasidy watches Jake tell Rebecca a story about a princess who escapes from the tower on her own and befriends the dragon guarding it. They're never really gone. What we leave behind matters.

_He is still here._


	2. It's Us, Yes, We're Back Again

_I'nora, ja'kala vok 'za Ezri. Zhian'tara rek pora'al Zheem Dax tanas rhem Jadzia. 'za Ezri tanas rhem Jadzia. Jadzia tanas rhem. Vok Ezri, Jadzia tanas rhem._

Ezri dug her fingernails into her palms as she watched her face in the mirror. Maybe this had been a bad idea, although since being joined it felt like all she had were bad ideas. Why was she even doing this? Ezri jumped when she realized the face in the mirror had changed.

_I will never live up to her. But she's me and I'm her and we're them and I wish I could be brave and beautiful and we are but I'm not no wait, she? Me? Remember what you said to your daughter when -- All of you are gorgeous hm that's Curzon so before must have been -- you we are all you you're us -- I don't even know who I am --_

"Take a deep breath," Jadzia said in the mirror. "Just breathe for a few minutes. It helps when you get lost in time."

"I can't-" Ezri's voice faltered. _I am Ezri Dax. I'm a trained counselor and I'm good at it. I am Ezri Dax. I am Ezri Dax I am Ezri Dax..._

Jadzia smiled and said "You are Ezri. You're still you."

"I don't know if I am anymore. I don't know what thoughts are mine and what come from someone else. Did I wake up early this morning because I wanted to or because Audra did? I had a raktijino today and enjoyed it but was that just you or Curzon enjoying it?"

"Well, it was a good raktijino..."

"I knew this was a bad idea," Ezri glared at the mirror.

"Ezri, they're all yours," Jadzia sighed. "We may live on through you, but we don't control you any more than your memories as Ezri Tigan do. We're just another potential influence in the thousands behind every feeling you have or choice you make."

"I can't trust my own feelings anymore!" Ezri felt tears sting at the corners of her eyes. _Of course you're overreacting that's really just like you isn't it you've always been weak and --_

"What you feel right now is you. No one thinks you're weak because you're overwhelmed. But you called me here because of one feeling in particular, right?"

Ezri winced. She had been avoiding thinking about it after the escape from the Dominion. But now the war was over and the immediate grief in its wake had given way to attempts at healing and rebuilding. There was suddenly a future to plan for again after months of living only for the moment, watching friends die and knowing you probably would too the next day. You survive and you fuck and you love because you're alive and you need to feel it in your bones but you do not fall in love when you're all just ghosts who don't realize they're dead yet.

"It's okay to love him," Jadzia said softly. "I think that's where we went wrong, expecting that we give up all past romantic attachments. Maybe some feelings go beyond just one lifetime for a reason. You just have to figure out if you love him or if you love the memory of him, although it seems like you already know the answer to that."

_"I can't believe my last meal was algae paste."_

_"It will be over soon."_

_"Well that's a comforting thought."_

_All those things she'd done and all those that she'd never get the chance to now. All the lifetimes of memories that would be executed with her. A night in the jungle on a distant planet. She resolved to make it her last living thought._

_"I'm afraid to die, Worf. I know you probably think I'm a coward but I am afraid."_

_Arms wrap around her like armor. A warm heart beats. She is dirty and hungry and perfectly content._

_"There is no dishonor in fear, Ezri. It is the confrontation and defeat of our fear that brings the greatest honor of all. Together we will die well."_

_She chooses to walk willingly to her execution rather than be dragged kicking and screaming. Die like a Starfleet officer and show the Dominion exactly why they'll never win. Worf holds her hand as they stare down the barrel of Cardassian disruptors. The jungle again, and at the end of all things he was there. She closes her eyes._

"Thank you," Ezri whispered as Jadzia faded away. She was already on the turbo lift before she realized what she was doing. _This is a bad idea very very bad you think he'd really choose you_ \-- "Docking ring."

Worf stretched to clear the sleep from his body and opened the Defiant's docking hatch. Ezri mumbled something unintelligible and refused to make eye contact, suddenly fascinated by the ship's flooring. Realization dawned on him.

"Lieutenant, is the station under attack?" He was already moving to gather the weapons he'd stored by the airlock when he felt her hand gently shove him back. He half hears the usual laughter that always followed that gesture. The vision of Changelings flooding the Promenade is preferrable.

"What?" Ezri looked up. "No, why would it be? It's over."

"There are always other enemies," replied Worf as he peered over her head.

"Maybe you should try to stop looking at everyone as a potential enemy and things would go better for you."

"These 'things' are going well."

_She's been here before but she's her but not her again, watching Quark (wait what?) in a holosuite and yelling at Worf because he's just so oblivious and I'm right here damn it!_

_Oh._

"I love you." Both Worf and Ezri stared at each other in horror as Ezri clapped her hand over her mouth. She had planned a whole speech leading up to this while on the turbolift. It definitely had not included blurting it out in a doorway, but then again, it had also not included a battle-ready Klingon convinced the station was under attack. 

"Oh," Worf said.

"I have her memories but I'm not her, Worf. Ezri loves you. I would have loved you without the symbiont. You're grumpy and have no sense of humor and brave and loyal and I, Ezri Tigan or Ezri Dax or whatever, love you."

"So the station is not in danger?"

She woke up the next morning in the cramped quarters of the Defiant, smiling at the bruises she'd left on him and wincing when she moved her left arm. This would be an awkward trip to Sickbay.

Somewhere in the ether Jadzia was howling with laughter.


	3. We'll Still Be There When Your War is Over

The first few weeks weren't that hard. It had been easy to lose herself in the endless parties and celebrations, the euphoria of the end of a war when you're just grateful you're still alive. If she had overindulged on springwine no one could blame her; she had been a key player in taking down the Dominion, afterall. He had been too, but it was better not to think about that.

Kira understood the concept of loving someone enough to let them go, but now it felt like that was much better as an abstract concept than as something you actually _do_. Every cell in her body had been screaming at her to beg Odo to stay as he'd walked into the Link and out of her life. _At least Jadzia hadn't chosen to leave her behind_ had become the awful refrain in her head whenever she thought of him. Sometimes when she walks by Security and waves to the Bajoran man behind Odo's desk she thinks about what could have been if she had given into that impulse; he'd be here and they'd be happy and - No.

He left and she needed to face that. He had a duty to his people and she had a station to run. The Occupation had forced her to accept losing people; she reminded herself of that daily. Kira wished that made any of this better.

It was 0200 hours and she was sitting against the wall in Odo's old quarters when she heared the door open and Quark stumbled in, clutching a bottle of Romulan ale. He didn't appear to notice her, and before she could say anything Quark started a drunken tirade at the empty room. He was slurring his words and stabbing the bottle into the air in a manner that might have been vaguely threatening coming from anyone other than him.

"You didn't have to go. Why go? What's so great about leaving? I'm bored, Odo. Scheming just isn't as much fun anymore. But thanks to you I still have to check every chair, table, and bottle just in case. Damn you, Odo. Why'd you leave?"

He stumbled again and plopped down on the floor, still glaring.

"Shouldn't you be glad you don't have to worry about Odo ruining your criminal activities anymore?" Kira laughed when Quark jumped in surprise.

"Colonel!" He stared at her in horror. "I don't know why you're here, but I assure you I only deal in legal business ventures."

"Sure you do, Quark."

"I had nothing to do with those Nausicans selling counterfeit Rigelian diamonds!"

"Of course you didn't." Kira rolled her eyes. "Anyway, I think we're probably here for the same reason. We miss Odo."

"Ha, miss _Odo_? Why would I miss him? It was practically impossible to conduct business on the station with him lurking around pretending to be furniture."

"So that's why you gave a passionate speech about missing him to his empty quarters in the middle of the night."

"We had a complicated relationship."

"I miss him too, Quark."

Quark closed his eyes and sighed, leaning back on the wall. "They always leave. I offered Natima everything I have and she still left; I'm not surprised Odo and everyone else did too."

Kira raised an eyebrow but decided now was probably not the best time to address the implications of _that_ particular sentiment.

"Quark, I know-"

"Don't bother," Quark cut her off. "Business is booming and Rom is still terrible at managing his finances and keeps 'investing' in my bar, my life is great."

"Oh."

The two sat in an uncomfortable silence, Quark swaying a bit and drinking his ale while Kira stared out of the window at the stars. The wormhole wasn't visible at the moment but she knew it was there, and she immediately felt guilty for her brief wish that it wasn't. She hoped the Prophets would understand.

"Have some," Quark shoved the bottle at her. "A good bartender always knows when a customer needs a drink."

Kira took a long swig and immediately started coughing as the burn hit her throat. She was surprised to discover she found it comforting. The coughs evolved into laughter and soon Quark was laughing with her, tears in their eyes as they tried to catch their breath and failed whenever they looked at each other. She wasn't even sure what they were laughing at but the universe is absurd and scary and wonderful, she decided. She could feel, she had people to laugh with and cry with and she wasn't alone anymore. That had to mean something.

"First time trying Romulan ale, Colonel?" Quark asked innocently when they had finally managed to collect themselves.

"You could have warned me! But it was generous of you to share."

Quark smirked and pulled the bottle back. "Share? I'm adding this to your tab when I get back to the bar."

Kira rolled her eyes and grabbed the bottle for another drink.

"It looks like some things never do change, Quark."

"I'll drink to that, Colonel."


	4. The War is Over and We Are Beginning

"Have you told him yet?"

"I will soon."

"Tell him, Daddy!" Molly shouts from across the room. "You gotta tell him if we wanna go to Earth!"

She is enthusiastic and sincere in the way only children are capable of and Miles can't help but smile at her. He says a silent prayer to every god he can think of that she will never be yet another lost son or daughter dying on a battlefield far from home. That this war had been enough and she could live her life never reading casualty lists or hoping the shields will hold _just this one last time._

"I know, sweetie," he says. "And we are going to Earth."

Keiko doesn't miss him glancing over at the model of the Alamo he and Julian had created.

"We don't have to go, Miles," she gently takes his hand. "There are good schools on Bajor for Molly and Yoshi, and I can keep working there. We don't have to do this."

Miles stops his tinkering with the replicator and sits in silence. Seven years. Seven years of repairing a shitty Cardie station. Two years of being dragged into another war. And somewhere during all this realizing he'd die for all of them the same way he would for Keiko or the kids. Even Julian, the annoying bastard. He can't leave them. 

The job on Earth is perfect. Molly and Yoshi can grow up happy and innocent, far away from the horrors of the occupation and battle. Keiko will have better opportunities for work. Earth is their home. The job is perfect. He doesn't remember exactly when Deep Space 9 became home for him. The war could have taken everything from him but he still has his family and they have a future. He has to leave them.

Keiko holds Yoshi and gently rocks him back and forth, hushing him with a quiet lullaby. Molly reads about a plant native to the Amazon rainforest on a PADD. He tries to remember when Yoshi started talking or Molly started properly reading and finds that he can't. He can't recall Yoshi's first word. 

_"Your daddy is a hero!" Keiko smiles brilliantly at the kids. "He's out there making sure we're safe. He misses you too. We can't see him right now but we will soon. Let's just think about all the fun things we'll do when he gets back!"_

_"Keiko, I love you," he stares into the holocam and hopes she'll know he never meant to leave them. "I love you. I love the kids. I love Molly. I love Yoshi. I hope you'll understand. I don't know when you'll get this, but if things go wrong I had to say it."_

Seven years of missing his wife, seven years of not being there the way he'd always imagined he would be for the kids. Years of never being sure he'd come back and now the war is over. He refuses to miss them anymore or be the purely theoretical husband and father. He loves her and he will leave because he loves them. He taps his comm badge.

"O'Brien to Bashir."

"Bashir here."

"Are you free for darts after your shift?"

"Quark's at 1900 hours work for you?"

"See you there. O'Brien out."

Keiko's eyes light up when she smiles at him. He instinctively knows he'd go to the ends of the universe for this woman and wonders how he had ever thought otherwise. He will not miss anymore firsts. He's fought too damn hard to have the chance to see them.


	5. We Won, Or We Think We Did

_Anguished shrieking filled the cave where his hands were pressed to an abdominal wound that wouldn't stop bleeding. If they can still scream maybe I can save them I'll find a way I won't let them die abandoned on some fucking rock I won't let any of them -- a hand gripped his forearm. She looked so young and so afraid and he couldn't force the expected "you're going to be okay" out. Her hand on his arm was covered in her own blood when she died. He knelt beside a man missing most of a leg and the walls were caving in and --_

"Another nightmare?" Garak mumbled, gently tugging Julian back down under the covers. 

"Uh, I have to get ready for work," Julian practically threw himself out of the bed. He had learned his lesson about overstaying his welcome after waking up to find himself embarrassingly clinging to Garak like a life raft. Repeatedly. He didn't need Garak taking pity on him and holding has hand after bad dreams just because they were having sex. "Sorry I woke you."

"I'm grateful for the head start to a busy day," Garak smirked. Even after three years Julian was still slightly unnerved by how quickly Garak could resume the "innocent tailor" persona each morning. Julian often wondered if the man he occasionally saw behind the curtain was just another artificial construct designed to keep his interest. 

But they had unspoken protocols about this and so Julian played his part as well. "Naturally. Are we still meeting for dinner today?"

"I'd like to, if you're amenable to meeting here instead."

Julian nearly fell over as he tugged his boot on. This was new. Garak's expression gave no hints, but a nasty voice in his head hissed _he doesn't want to see you anymore and he's trying to spare your feelings by doing it in private._

"Fine by me, 2100 hours?" Julian forced himself to smile and hoped it came off as a boyish grin instead of a grimace. For a brief moment he could have sworn Garak looked almost... regretful? No, surely not. The few occasions early on Julian had tentatively pushed for something more Garak promptly vanished for a week.

"2100 hours," confirmed Garak. "Enjoy your day, Doctor."

"Thanks, you too!" Julian bolted from Garak's quarters before he said anything stupid. 

Six cases of Rigleian flu, two broken limbs, and one very drunk Klingon later and it was nearly time to meet Garak. Julian had been practicing his reaction in the mirror all day.

_"I completely understand. It probably is for the best that we end this before it gets too complicated. I'm fine with just being friends."_

He will be fine with just being friends, he had to be fine. He could still have his lunches with Garak and argue about literature but Julian would find someone else. Someone else would be better for him. They wouldn't challenge and debate every his every opinion. They wouldn't break into his quarters in the middle of the night to drag him on some mad adventure. They would be normal, healthy, better for him. 

They would be boring.

He waited for Garak to open the door. 

"I've been contemplating how it would be best to tell you this. I have yet to discover a satisfactory answer, but I feel you deserve some sort of explanation. The transport to Cardassia leaves at 0700 hours. I'll be on it."

Julian threw his head back and gulped down his springwine. _He can't leave not like this he has to know I'd follow him anywhere if he asked he can't just cut and run I lo--_

"I completely understand," Julian said. "Cardassia needs you, rebuilding has to be your priority now."

"Quite right, my dear Julian," Garak smiled and nodded. Julian politely pretended not to notice Garak's dilated pupils or slightly increased heart rate. 

"I'll miss you, old friend."

_I'll miss listening to you complain about Shakespeare. I'll miss stealing the rest of your lunch when you don't finish it. I'll miss the way you just appear, seemingly out of nowhere, even if it is to invade my holoprogram. I'll even miss those terrible Cardassian epic sagas you made me read._

_Don't go. Stay here with me. Find a reason to stay._

"I'm finding it difficult to leave as well," Garak looked into Julian's eyes, seemingly searching for some unknowable thing. 

_Ask him to stay._

Julian looked out the window and yet again wrangled his expression into his best attempt at a smile. He suspected it was a spectacular failure. But he had to commit to _something_ for once, dammit, and so he just kept smiling while the galaxy fell apart around him. 

_Tell him you've never met anyone like him before and are quite sure you never will again. That you don't want to lose the man who doesn't care if you're a monster because he'll be one with you. That you were only afraid of dying because you didn't want to be apart from him. That colors are brighter and it feels like an electric current courses through your veins when he's around. Tell him to stay._

"Well, duty to the state and all that. I'm sure we'll see each other again."

"I'd like to think so. But one can never say. We live in uncertain times."

_There's hope for you yet, Doctor. The cave looks suspiciously like the Promenade now and he somehow already knows every line and rough patch of skin on the hand he's holding. There's a dirty room and bright lights. An explosion in the atmosphere. Children he can't seem to find were screaming. The taste of extra sweet Tarkalean tea still lingers and he remembers being the hero who had slayed a dragon. Garak grips his hand tighter. I forgive you._

Julian woke up when he landed in a heap on the floor next to his bed. 

"How very graceful, Doctor."

Julian twisted around to find Garak sitting on the chair near the window. Even in the dim lighting he could see Garak watching him. Of course his face had that damned smug smile on it; nothing seemed to delight him more than when he managed to surprise Julian or score a point in one of their debates. It was infuriating.

Julian wanted to see that smile for the rest of his life. Even if it meant more Cardassian poetry.

"Did you have a particular reason for breaking into my quarters in the middle of the night, Garak? Yet again."

"Perhaps I merely wanted to witness your heroic battle and crushing defeat of the bed covers."

Julian sighed and pulled himself off the floor to perch on the edge of the bed. "Garak..."

"Have you heard of the tisk' eel?"

"Wait, what?" Julian was caught off guard by the apparent non-sequitur and still felt half asleep. "If you barged in here just to tell me fun facts about Cardassian zoology I swear-"

Garak continued as if he hadn't heard him. "It's a very unusual animal for the Cardassian ecosystem. They rely very heavily on water, much more so than most fauna that have adapted to the desert climate."

"Ah yes, this certainly couldn't have waited until morning."

"Usually they are heavily reliant on their large social groups and go out to hunt, obtaining hydration from their prey."

"This is officially the worst goodbye ever, Garak."

"Yet on occasion one will find a natural source of fresh water and separate from the pack, preferring their find even over their social ties."

_Oh._

When their lips met it was supernovas and heated debates and madly spinning space stations, terrible literature and even worse holoprograms, stupid grins and sly smiles and the gravity between binary stars.

It was a hand reaching out even admist the blood and horror of the cave. 

"I should have said something at dinner earlier-" Julian started to apologize before Garak interrupted.

"Quite right, you should have. But you didn't, so I felt it necessary to take matters into my own hands."

"Via breaking and entering?"

"I thought it would add dramatic flair."

Julian took Garak's hand and tugged him back to the bed. "Does that animal even exist or was that also 'dramatic flair'?"

"Hm, one can never say."

When he fell asleep, Julian dreamed of shuttlepods and tuxedos. 


End file.
